Five Sentence Fiction – Scarlet

http://lilliemcferrin.com/five-sentence-fiction-scarlet/

The light above the isolette flashed again, bathing the dim room in a ruddy glow. His brother was in the next bed over, breathing a little too rapidly, but peacefully asleep. An alarm beeps, a father’s heartbeat speeds up. One day, one day soon, little Quinn should be able to go home, free from wires and tubes. He’ll sleep there, next to his brother Will, that little merry man.

 

My first attempt at this one.

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14 Responses to “Five Sentence Fiction – Scarlet”

  1. goingforcoffee Says:

    When I saw the word ‘isolette’ I was worried how you were going to bring scarlet into a baby story, but I think you did just fine – it’s a nice story. The only thing I will mention is that I think the tense changes, I tripped a bit when reading from “the brother was…” to “an alarm beeps…”

    P.S. Such a sweet description for Will, that little merry man !

    • drmagoo Says:

      I know it’s a much simpler story than most of the others, but that’s what I was going for. I wasn’t going to write one until I saw the prompt word, and then it was an easy choice – I’ve been calling him Will Scarlet since we came up with the name. 😉

      I did think about the tense changes – thanks for the feedback. Editing is useful!

  2. Your first attempt is a good one. Welcome aboard!

  3. I really, really love this, especially “that little merry man.” That is how I see my youngest son. But my favorite aspect is that your sentences are beautifully succinct. You didn’t have to stretch the rules of grammar (like I did) to weave the story. Wonderful post.

    • Thank you. I didn’t read any of the others before writing (I don’t want to feel like I’m mimicking anyone), and so I consciously tried to avoid turning the five sentence limit into 10-15 with appropriate punctuation marks, etc. Then I saw that everyone else did it, and wondered if maybe I should have, too. 😉

      • Just my two cents, but don’t do it. Next week, I am going to try and do as you’ve done here – choose my words wisely so that each one is infused with meaning and action. Then I don’t need so many. Keep it up!

      • drmagoo Says:

        Thank you. 😉

  4. I don’t read others until mine is written. Sometimes I am pleased with my results, sometimes not so much. But I post them regardless. Some are short sentences, dialogue often. Others are more meandering, pandering to the punctuation I guess. LOL!

    This was very good!!!

  5. Such a strong feeling of loved from the father. A beautiful, thoughtful piece.

  6. I love this! The description of Will is lush and it’s such a beautiful take on Scarlet. I, like you, do not read others until I have done mine and this is such an orignal take. Well done. xxx

  7. Welcome!! Thank you for linking up with Five Sentence Fiction. Nice job on this story; look forward to reading more of your writing.

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