Love Bites, The Anti-Valentine Blog Hop

Link to the super-awesome Love Bites Blog Hop! http://www.officemango.com/2014/02/love-bites-blog-hop-2014/

“Eight thirty would be perfect, sir. And you wanted the Valentine’s Day special meal?” The voice on the other end of the phone was always a little too scripted, and a lot too earnest, as if the man or woman had just finished a course at Obsequious Restaurant Host U.

“Yes – it’s, well, it’s our first, and I want to make it special. That comes with the champagne toast, right?” It was important to get the right note of uncertainty in my voice – Romeos weren’t suckers, but Lonely Hearts Who Got Lucky were.

“Yes sir. The champagne toast, and the oyster appetizer, and the roses tied with silk. All we need from you is the deposit – will that be Mastercard or Visa?”

Visa this time, Mastercard the next. Or Amex. Sometimes it was fun to hear them squirm on the phone as they told me they couldn’t take that card, sir, I’m so sorry, is there another form of payment you can use to give us $250 for a meal that you’re buying so that you can get laid? Hell, it didn’t really matter to me, because they weren’t my cards.

I’m sure it had raised some eyebrows when I’d offered to help with organizing our tenth high school reunion, but what the heck – let’s let the class geek have his fun. Besides, the website I built – complete with a totally secure system for registration, of course – really was pretty slick, especially the part where I kept copies of the information from each transaction. I got all sorts of thank you messages from guys who’d laughed at me when I’d walked down the hall and girls who wouldn’t have gone out with me on a dare (oh, but what they did in my mind at night, the dirty whores). Even got friend requests on Facebook and Twitter and a lot of can’t wait to see ya’s.

I didn’t go – who would have, to spend time with them, acting as if they were decent people and I mattered in any way to them? Food poisoning, and bad. I know – so awful. Maybe the fifteenth? But I had what I wanted.

And I waited. It meant I lost a few cards as expiration dates passed, but it had to be Valentine’s Day. I debated doing this for Christmas, but let the rugrats have their fun – it’d be the last one they’d get for a while.

I didn’t stop at the false reservations at restaurants. There wasn’t a honeymoon suite left in the state, and I’d be surprised if there was a gas station that could get its hands on so much as a crappy dyed rose. Chocolates. Lingerie. Jewelry – that was a tough one. Had to check some balances so that I didn’t send anyone over their limit and alert anyone to what was going on. Limos. And in one special case, Rick Petersen bought a half-page ad in the Trib proclaiming his life-long love for his dear Emily.

His wife was named Amanda. Emily was the girl he’d been dating when he started screwing Amanda.

And did you know you could order STD testing kits online? Those are a hoot when they show up at your wife’s office, with a big red bow stuck on top like a festering sore of love. It also probably came as a shock to Melissa Collins to find out that her husband had purchased a subscription to Playgirl. Or to Stephen Benton that his wife bought him a penis enlargement pump. Man, they were going to get flooded with spam for, like, ever.

But I saved the best for Lisa Davis. Once upon a time, we’d been friends, and when our hormones hit, she was the one I thought about the most, there in the dark. I’d even asked her out once, to the Homecoming dance, freshman year. She didn’t even try to hide her laughter. Now, in her case, I didn’t run up their credit cards, or embarrass them in any way. They had a lovely Valentine’s Day dinner, and then headed home for a romantic evening.

In a house rigged to explode at midnight. I even used my own money for that one.

700 words

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8 Responses to “Love Bites, The Anti-Valentine Blog Hop”

  1. Pure unfettered revenge…great stuff!

  2. Wonderful stuff! Liked that a lot!

  3. Okay. That’s a great story. 🙂

  4. This was awesome! Really enjoyed it.

  5. Deserved winner! Written with relish and talent. Really enjoyed the pace and the voice of the narrator. Nicely done, Eric!

  6. […] & Wren – Worth Your Salt writing comp. So I didn’t win anything, but am happy to say Eric, an online buddy whose work I’ve admired for a while, was one of the lucky winner. Once your […]

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