The damp wood gave slightly as Tommy leaned against the barrier at the end of the pier, but he wasn’t worried about it breaking. He’d been coming here to find peace, recenter himself, or whatever the kids were calling it these days for his entire adult life, and it always held him. If it was going to give way, tonight would be the night, but if it happened, and he ended up drowning in a rip current, he’d deserve it. He deserved most any fate the world held in store for him, or so he thought. He used to stand here for hours sometimes, knowing it would pay off, knowing he’d find that spark that would help him get his balance back, and then he’d go back home where Wendy would have a smile for him, and maybe a wicked one. She didn’t know why he needed this time, or how it worked to help him, but she didn’t need to know the why, she just needed to know that when he walked out onto the pier, he was a mess, his soul in knots, his heart in tatters, and when he walked back, he was himself again.
There’d be no smile for Tommy tonight.
Somewhere along the way, he’d made a choice. He’d stopped thinking about Wendy as the thing that protected him in the night, the person who made all the hard choices worth making. Tommy had started finding fault in her words instead of inspiration in her presence. He’d begun wondering what else was out there, telling himself tales about what he deserved and what he needed and how what he wanted didn’t affect anyone other than himself. Even before that night at the conference, and the weekend at the lake, he’d made his decision. Before the texts and the messages and the phone calls from the road, he’d already chosen a different path. Before touching another woman (and then another, and then another) for the first time, he was already unfaithful, because he’d already given up on Wendy in his heart.
He let his fingers play along the wood, breaking a splinter free and circling the countersunk screw heads. What had been the point of all of it? He’d stopped coming to the pier at some point, too, stopped looking for strength in himself, much less in his marriage. And now he was lost. That Wendy would leave him had been a foregone conclusion for months. He’d stopped being careful, started leaving his phone on the table, unlocked, when he knew she’d sit there and wonder. He was distant, she wasn’t stupid. She caught him, one afternoon, as he’d decided to call his latest plaything while Wendy was napping in the next room. They fought, but it was mechanical. His heart wasn’t in it and she’d just been waiting for this to happen. She threw him out – they had plenty of money to cover two homes – and filed the next day. And now he was back on his own again.
The funny thing was that he cut it off with the other woman once Wendy threw him out, and there hadn’t been anyone else since. Whatever compulsion had driven him was gone now. He was alone in more ways than he’d been in decades, free to do whatever he wanted, but all he wanted was for the pain to end.
Tommy wouldn’t have said he was in pain the first night he flirted with a woman at the conference, when he took her to his bed, but he was. He was lost – to himself, to Wendy, to the world – and flailing. But he didn’t know how to flail, so he acted. And then he did it again. And again. And the pain didn’t stop. The flailing didn’t stop. The mistakes at home and at work didn’t stop. Standing here at the end of the pier he knew that the only reason he hadn’t been fired yet was inertia, and that one day soon they’d get past their fear of finding someone else to handle all his clients and realize that he wasn’t anything special, not anymore.
He was startled when the first tear fell on his hand. He hadn’t cried since he was a kid, but now he couldn’t stop. He bawled into the night, his cries fading out into nothingness over the water that went past the horizon. Tommy cried for all that he had thrown away, all that he had lost – not just by cheating, but by deciding none of it mattered anymore. By not acknowledging the pain and getting help, real help, instead of sinking himself into lazy behavior and taking risks.
There wouldn’t be any smiles for Tommy when he left the pier tonight, wicked ones or otherwise. He’d made his choices, and now he’d live a life full of consequences. The tears took a long time coming to an end, and he knew that whoever he’d been was broken. He stood at the end of the pier for a long time that night, searching for something he didn’t know if he could find, but hoping that there was something inside of him still worth the effort.
